Healing The Mother Wound: A Path to Wisdom and Empowerment
In an ideal world, we would all have mothers who were present for us, who understood our emotional needs and met them. Mothers who would be a safe place for us to discover ourselves and navigate life’s ups and downs. Every child wants to feel seen for who they are and to feel loved unconditionally. But for many mothers, their own wounds and experiences get projected onto their children, delivering the same wounds that they themselves wanted to escape.
Most mothers did the best they could with the resources and emotional tools they had. But even well-intentioned mothers can leave deep marks when their love was inconsistent, conditional, or overshadowed by their own unhealed pain. Some mothers may not have been able to meet their own needs, much less their children’s. And yet society often defines a women’s worth through their ability to have children and become mothers. For some mothers, they were never taught self-care or it was a luxury and perhaps only earned through self-abandonment. Their relationships may have reflected poor boundaries so their children’s boundaries are the same. Some mothers demand their children give up their lives for them or ask their children to be the parent in an unhealthy and confusing role reversal. Women who may not have been treated as equals with their brothers or in society feel driven to prove themselves and compete, often never dealing with their own anger.
From a shamanic perspective, the mother wound is often passed down the maternal line, held in the energy body and in the Mythic Map. It may carry generations of suppressed feminine power, patterns of silence, martyrdom, or emotional neglect, and loss of connection to Pachamama (the Earth as Mother). This is why a shamanic approach to healing the mother wound includes soul retrieval, healing generational imprints and releasing our own mother through rerooting to the Divine Mother, Pachamama. But the first step is seeing the wounding in ourselves - becoming conscious of it. Until we’re aware of it, we can’t change it.
Signs of an Unhealed Mother Wound
Low self-worth or chronic people-pleasing
A harsh inner critic and perfectionism
Fear of rejection, abandonment, or intimacy
Difficulty trusting oneself or setting boundaries
Seeking external validation and approval
Difficulty receiving, nurturing, or mothering oneself
Guilt or anxiety when asserting independence or saying no
In women, the mother wound can also show up as suppression of feminine expression (a rejection of the sacred feminine), fear of being too much, or internalized misogyny. You might also see this show up when someone unconsciously projects this wound and asks women to nurture them and prioritize their needs. In men, it can result in emotional detachment or difficulty forming healthy bonds with women, including punishing the women when they fail to meet their needs.
A Client Case Study
One of my client’s noticed that she was always in conflict with other women. She deeply wanted to change this and end the Drama she was seeing play out. The first thing she needed to do was see that she was creating it. Once she accepted that, then she was able to see that her mother wound led her to compete with other women because deep down she believed she would only be loved and have value if she was perfect and the best, so she unconsciously competed with women and was jealous of them if they succeeded. Female bosses always had higher expectations of her than of her colleagues and would often be abusive in their behavior only towards her. As she did session work on her family system, she realized that her mother was competitive and jealous of her, even sabotaging my client’s happiness and success. Of course, this meant my client would also unconsciously sabotage herself in that same way in order to comply with mom. My client also saw that her mother had no real relationships because she always found something wrong with them: they weren’t smart enough, they did something that offended her, etc. My client realized that despite her mother being very beautiful and professionally successful, she was deeply wounded and had low self-worth, inherited from her own mother wound.
My client was trained in her family to pedestal her grandmother because she passed away due to an autoimmune disease. Another part of the matrilineal line my client had the opportunity to heal, but that’s another story. One day after session my client remembered her mother’s stories of feeling judged and criticized by her own mother and feeling desperate to prove herself worthy. Her grandmother even set up a Drama Triangle with her son’s wife and daughter (my client’s mother), comparing them and making clear my client’s mother was failing at the things that in her perception, made you a good wife and a mother. My client’s mother never truly recovered - she saw that her success professionally threatened her mother because her mother never had that opportunity. My client had grown up in a co-dependent relationship with her own mother as a result of trauma, so her imprint led her to sacrifice herself for her mother and allow harmful behavior because she “understood” her and her mother “needed” her. She was desperate to avoid retribution and was programmed to do anything for her mother’s love and approval. But the more my client healed, the less willing she was to abandon herself. After a particularly powerful soul retrieval, my client’s mother set a trap, and my client walked right into it. As her mother attacked her, my client said she felt her Soul Part say NO MORE very loudly. Sachamama then came forward snapping at her, telling her to act. In that moment, she found the strength and clarity to end the relationship. She was able to step into a whole new chapter of healing and empowerment, even while grieving.
Healing Ourselves
As we heal, we understand our mothers as individuals and flawed people just like us, women who had their own unresolved trauma that so often was passed on to us. This means we have an opportunity to see them clearly, honor our experience and decide to end the generational imprint for ourselves and everyone in the family line. Doing that work is sacred and it can feel hard to give ourselves permission for it. Are we disloyal? Are we willing to give up being a Victim of our mother? Can we stop wanting them to be someone other than who they are? Can we do our work so that the relationship can transform into something healthier? Are we willing to end the relationship if it requires us to self-abandon and accept harm?
As an adult, it’s up to us to heal and take responsibility for our wounds. Shamans view this work as a portal to healing not just for ourselves, but for our mothers, grandmothers, and the children yet to come. It can be intense, especially in the beginning. It’s so important to be kind and patient with yourself as you bring this to consciousness and understand how it has formed your perception of yourself and the world.
You Are Not Alone
If you’re ready to explore this path more deeply, I invite you to work with me to remember your own wholeness and see how worthy you truly are.